I don't normally have a need to write but tonight I do. I have that feeling that the words in my head won’t stop until I get them down on paper or in this case out to all of you. So here we are in the start of a new year... 2014 wow how did that happen? I didn't finish half of the things I wanted to in 2013. This year has the chance to be very different and I am excited for all the things to come.
First off I quit my job. Yes you heard me right I had a great job that paid decent and I quit. I am going back to school for a year and studying to be a certified medical coder in ICD10. Coders start at $3 more an hour than I am currently making and for me that is life changing money. This will be my fourth attempt at an AA degree and this time I plan to make it. I have just over 4 quarters and I am ready to cross this regret off my list. It has always bothered me that I never finished school. I have been successful and have done a lot but I always wish I would have finished. 2014 is the year for that. I am terrified to fail again and really wonder if this was the right choice (even though I know it was) I am not working this time and hope that it will be the difference that gets me to a degree.
Secondly I am going to Guatemala this year. After a year of blood sweat and tears God will finally open the door for my mission trip. I know most everyone knows what happened last time I tried to go with my old church but I am not sure anyone knows the toll it took on my heart. I have never been called to do something so strongly only to have it fall apart. It was devastating and I struggled big time with God on what it all meant and why He would do this to me after I had answered the call so whole heartedly. A wise woman said to me “Maybe all you were supposed to do was answer the call. Maybe that was the lesson” I can remember looking at her with tears in my eyes thinking that she was wrong that God could not have put this call on heart just to test my faith. I look back on it now and realize that it was exactly what was happening. God had such bigger plans coming in my life and He needed to know I would follow His lead and hear His call.
In the last six months I have finally had time to grieve for all the things I lost in the transition from my old church. So many friends, kids and students are gone. I believe I was called to leave my old church. I had no intention of leaving until one night in a quiet moment of prayer I knew with every fiber of my being that it was time to go. So I cut ties and left. Then came the fighting for all the fundraised money that was not going to be returned and I became so numb to the things that were happening that I didn’t deal with any of them. I can say that I did get all of the funds back and I know that was because God stepped in to handle it because I had checked out. The first few months of Refuge (our church plant) I was on survival mode auto pilot. The loss was so great that my heart was unable to feel it all at once. I worked and served 24/7 for Refuge. I poured everything into the church hoping I would stop the pain I was feeling. This of course led to burn out because you can do it on your own. I finally broke down in frustration with my pastor and vented everything at him all in one night. It felt like everything went from pain to anger and I stepped away and pulled back and really retreated into myself. I spent the fall sick and miserable from the stress. I am hoping in the New Year to find my place again in the church. I had so many things on my plate and then nothing and now I feel slightly lost. I spent some time in prayer and realized I asked for help and God had provided what I needed. I had tried to control everything to fight away all the feelings I was feeling and when I finally cried out for help He took it away. He however has burdened my heart to deal with the loss.
I cannot tell you how much the way I was treated by my old church and pastors has hurt me. I have a past with another church that hurt me deeply and I guess after 10 years God needs me to deal with the hurt and find the truth through the lies. Truth is God loves me, my heart and my passion. These pastors are humans… they are not perfect and as soon as you put them on a pedestal they will fail you. I need to forgive them just as God had forgiven me and love them even when they hurt me because I have hurt God worse and He is still right there to love me. I lost people from my life when I left that church that daily break my heart. My heart aches for those that left the church and never came back because of our decisions. I pray daily for them and that they find their way home. And I lost a friend who to this day I am sure does not know the pain it causes not having them in my life. Its like when you meet someone and become fast friends- there is just a connection and you love being around them. It has never been the same between us since leaving the church and I still feel the hurt of that loss and pray for our friendship.
Please don’t get me wrong I have gained the most amazing church family and I have never felt so connected and loved in a church before. I have so many things that came out of this change that I would never change. I have realized this year that sometimes you need to say what you are feeling and that you can be happy and sad about a change and that is ok. I believe this is how God stretches and grows you as a person. I kinda feel it is like the ugly duckling story- it was bad and sad in the beginning and then it is great cause you are a beautiful swan but you still have to deal with the bad and sad to get to happy.
I have come to a place where I am finally (almost a year later) able to start letting go of some of the hurt and anger. I am finally finding peace and I am thankful. Guatemala is the best example of this. I was so bitter and actually turned down an invitation to go with a different church and God has been patiently waiting for me to let it go and when I finally did He gave me the chance to go as a group from Refuge. I cannot tell you how much healing this has brought to my heart. I am so excited to go help and serve! I know God is going to use this to grow me as well and I know it will not all be easy but I am positive it is the right time. How else would you explain the fact that we leave the day after finals and return the day before the next quarter starts?? God is so good and so patient!! He was waiting for me to get here and I was fighting Him the whole way. I truly believe this was the plan the whole time.
Recently when praying about school and all my fears I believe I was told that if I don’t have to work for it I will never finish, appreciate and find joy in it. I believe this is a year to work. I believe this is a year to achieve and I believe this is a year to release regrets. And I will be working toward that every day this year. I know there will be failures and let downs but I know I will get through it because God is with me. I believe 2014 will be a year of hope, dreams, faith and change and I could not be more excited.
What do you believe the year will bring?
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