Thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams

I don't normally have a need to write but tonight I do. I have that feeling that the words in my head won’t stop until I get them down on paper or in this case out to all of you. So here we are in the start of a new year... 2014 wow how did that happen? I didn't finish half of the things I wanted to in 2013. This year has the chance to be very different and I am excited for all the things to come.

First off I quit my job. Yes you heard me right I had a great job that paid decent and I quit. I am going back to school for a year and studying to be a certified medical coder in ICD10. Coders start at $3 more an hour than I am currently making and for me that is life changing money. This will be my fourth attempt at an AA degree and this time I plan to make it. I have just over 4 quarters and I am ready to cross this regret off my list. It has always bothered me that I never finished school. I have been successful and have done a lot but I always wish I would have finished. 2014 is the year for that. I am terrified to fail again and really wonder if this was the right choice (even though I know it was) I am not working this time and hope that it will be the difference that gets me to a degree.
Secondly I am going to Guatemala this year. After a year of blood sweat and tears God will finally open the door for my mission trip. I know most everyone knows what happened last time I tried to go with my old church but I am not sure anyone knows the toll it took on my heart. I have never been called to do something so strongly only to have it fall apart. It was devastating and I struggled big time with God on what it all meant and why He would do this to me after I had answered the call so whole heartedly. A wise woman said to me “Maybe all you were supposed to do was answer the call. Maybe that was the lesson” I can remember looking at her with tears in my eyes thinking that she was wrong that God could not have put this call on heart just to test my faith. I look back on it now and realize that it was exactly what was happening. God had such bigger plans coming in my life and He needed to know I would follow His lead and hear His call.
In the last six months I have finally had time to grieve for all the things I lost in the transition from my old church. So many friends, kids and students are gone. I believe I was called to leave my old church. I had no intention of leaving until one night in a quiet moment of prayer I knew with every fiber of my being that it was time to go. So I cut ties and left. Then came the fighting for all the fundraised money that was not going to be returned and I became so numb to the things that were happening that I didn’t deal with any of them. I can say that I did get all of the funds back and I know that was because God stepped in to handle it because I had checked out. The first few months of Refuge (our church plant) I was on survival mode auto pilot. The loss was so great that my heart was unable to feel it all at once. I worked and served 24/7 for Refuge. I poured everything into the church hoping I would stop the pain I was feeling. This of course led to burn out because you can do it on your own. I finally broke down in frustration with my pastor and vented everything at him all in one night. It felt like everything went from pain to anger and I stepped away and pulled back and really retreated into myself. I spent the fall sick and miserable from the stress. I am hoping in the New Year to find my place again in the church. I had so many things on my plate and then nothing and now I feel slightly lost. I spent some time in prayer and realized I asked for help and God had provided what I needed. I had tried to control everything to fight away all the feelings I was feeling and when I finally cried out for help He took it away. He however has burdened my heart to deal with the loss.
I cannot tell you how much the way I was treated by my old church and pastors has hurt me. I have a past with another church that hurt me deeply and I guess after 10 years God needs me to deal with the hurt and find the truth through the lies. Truth is God loves me, my heart and my passion. These pastors are humans… they are not perfect and as soon as you put them on a pedestal they will fail you. I need to forgive them just as God had forgiven me and love them even when they hurt me because I have hurt God worse and He is still right there to love me. I lost people from my life when I left that church that daily break my heart. My heart aches for those that left the church and never came back because of our decisions. I pray daily for them and that they find their way home. And I lost a friend who to this day I am sure does not know the pain it causes not having them in my life. Its like when you meet someone and become fast friends- there is just a connection and you love being around them. It has never been the same between us since leaving the church and I still feel the hurt of that loss and pray for our friendship.
Please don’t get me wrong I have gained the most amazing church family and I have never felt so connected and loved in a church before. I have so many things that came out of this change that I would never change. I have realized this year that sometimes you need to say what you are feeling and that you can be happy and sad about a change and that is ok. I believe this is how God stretches and grows you as a person. I kinda feel it is like the ugly duckling story- it was bad and sad in the beginning and then it is great cause you are a beautiful swan but you still have to deal with the bad and sad to get to happy.
I have come to a place where I am finally (almost a year later) able to start letting go of some of the hurt and anger. I am finally finding peace and I am thankful. Guatemala is the best example of this. I was so bitter and actually turned down an invitation to go with a different church and God has been patiently waiting for me to let it go and when I finally did He gave me the chance to go as a group from Refuge. I cannot tell you how much healing this has brought to my heart. I am so excited to go help and serve! I know God is going to use this to grow me as well and I know it will not all be easy but I am positive it is the right time. How else would you explain the fact that we leave the day after finals and return the day before the next quarter starts?? God is so good and so patient!! He was waiting for me to get here and I was fighting Him the whole way. I truly believe this was the plan the whole time.
Recently when praying about school and all my fears I believe I was told that if I don’t have to work for it I will never finish, appreciate and find joy in it. I believe this is a year to work. I believe this is a year to achieve and I believe this is a year to release regrets. And I will be working toward that every day this year. I know there will be failures and let downs but I know I will get through it because God is with me. I believe 2014 will be a year of hope, dreams, faith and change and I could not be more excited.
What do you believe the year will bring?

Today is exciting and nerve racking! I am filling out my application packet today for my first mission! As I going through all these pages I am reminded of all the negative things people have said to me about going on a mission. The one that hurts my heart the most is about my medical issues. I have RA. And the comment was with your RA what good can you bring a mission. As I fill out the medical question fears bubble up inside of me. What if they don’t let me go… What if there really isn't anything I can bring to help…What if what if what if. I am viewing this as a test of my faith. I should be confident that God will put me where I belong. He will provide and need to be strong, have faith, and be patient. Giving up control is really not my strong suit but God is working on my heart everyday. I know that He would not have put this on my heart and head a few months ago if it was not what He wanted me to do. Dear Lord I want to thank You for everything You have given me. I want to thank You for my servant's heart and thank You for showing me a path to use it to glorify You. I pray for continued strength as I am faced with all the negativeness of the world. Thank You for making me stronger. Amen ***PS-- A very special thank you for my first donation You know who you are and love you for your kindness***

 

Mission Details

A Little about the Group who is bringing us to Guatemala I will be going for 10 days with La Mision July 13-22, 2013. La Mision was born in March 2009. While the organization has recently been created, the heart of La Mision has been operating for many years. God has put it in our hearts to expand the ministry beyond clinics. We are seeking God and believing that He will do far more than we could ever imagine or dream. He has been faithful thus far, and we trust He will continue as we seek to serve Him in all we do. In 2005, Palencia School closed due to lack of funding. While on a medical trip, two doctors from Wenatchee, WA started dreaming and asking questions about reopening Palencia school. In 2006 Instituto Evangelico America Latina, under the administration of Clinicas America Latina re-opened Palencia School with only two pre-school grades and 13 children (8 in Pre-kindergarten and 5 in Kindergarten). At the same time Palencia School started working with the Palencia Sponsorship Program and a small group of people from Wenatchee gladly helped in this project. Ever since then, Palencia School has been opening a new class each year. People from Washington, Arizona, Illinois, Tennessee and Texas joined in and are supporting the Palencia Sponsorship Program. Palencia School became a part of Ministry of Fundacion La Mision in 2009 and, through this project, education has been provided for over eighty (80) children. In 2012, we have one hundred seventy five (175) children and we have opened the 6th grade. None of these children would be able to get this kind of education, secular or Christian, anywhere else in town. We pray God allows us to continue serving these children.

 

My 1st Mission

This is my first mission trip and I couldn't be more excited and terrified to go. It is Ten days in Guatemala in July 2013. This is a chance for me to step out of my comfort zone and serve God. I am relying on faith and the love of my family and friend to help me get there. I am not in a place where I can pay for this on my own but I know if this is where God wants me to go He will make a way. The money will pay for building supplies, logging, airfare and food. I am not sure I will have the PTO to be paid while I am on this trip but I know God will show me the way.

Dear God, Thank you for this opportunity and for the love and support of my friends and family. I pray you will find a way for me to go. Please bless all the people who give and all those who can’t but wish they could. Lord, I cannot wait to see what this journey will bring to my life and lives of those we help. I love You. Amen