Thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams

I don't normally have a need to write but tonight I do. I have that feeling that the words in my head won’t stop until I get them down on paper or in this case out to all of you. So here we are in the start of a new year... 2014 wow how did that happen? I didn't finish half of the things I wanted to in 2013. This year has the chance to be very different and I am excited for all the things to come.

First off I quit my job. Yes you heard me right I had a great job that paid decent and I quit. I am going back to school for a year and studying to be a certified medical coder in ICD10. Coders start at $3 more an hour than I am currently making and for me that is life changing money. This will be my fourth attempt at an AA degree and this time I plan to make it. I have just over 4 quarters and I am ready to cross this regret off my list. It has always bothered me that I never finished school. I have been successful and have done a lot but I always wish I would have finished. 2014 is the year for that. I am terrified to fail again and really wonder if this was the right choice (even though I know it was) I am not working this time and hope that it will be the difference that gets me to a degree.
Secondly I am going to Guatemala this year. After a year of blood sweat and tears God will finally open the door for my mission trip. I know most everyone knows what happened last time I tried to go with my old church but I am not sure anyone knows the toll it took on my heart. I have never been called to do something so strongly only to have it fall apart. It was devastating and I struggled big time with God on what it all meant and why He would do this to me after I had answered the call so whole heartedly. A wise woman said to me “Maybe all you were supposed to do was answer the call. Maybe that was the lesson” I can remember looking at her with tears in my eyes thinking that she was wrong that God could not have put this call on heart just to test my faith. I look back on it now and realize that it was exactly what was happening. God had such bigger plans coming in my life and He needed to know I would follow His lead and hear His call.
In the last six months I have finally had time to grieve for all the things I lost in the transition from my old church. So many friends, kids and students are gone. I believe I was called to leave my old church. I had no intention of leaving until one night in a quiet moment of prayer I knew with every fiber of my being that it was time to go. So I cut ties and left. Then came the fighting for all the fundraised money that was not going to be returned and I became so numb to the things that were happening that I didn’t deal with any of them. I can say that I did get all of the funds back and I know that was because God stepped in to handle it because I had checked out. The first few months of Refuge (our church plant) I was on survival mode auto pilot. The loss was so great that my heart was unable to feel it all at once. I worked and served 24/7 for Refuge. I poured everything into the church hoping I would stop the pain I was feeling. This of course led to burn out because you can do it on your own. I finally broke down in frustration with my pastor and vented everything at him all in one night. It felt like everything went from pain to anger and I stepped away and pulled back and really retreated into myself. I spent the fall sick and miserable from the stress. I am hoping in the New Year to find my place again in the church. I had so many things on my plate and then nothing and now I feel slightly lost. I spent some time in prayer and realized I asked for help and God had provided what I needed. I had tried to control everything to fight away all the feelings I was feeling and when I finally cried out for help He took it away. He however has burdened my heart to deal with the loss.
I cannot tell you how much the way I was treated by my old church and pastors has hurt me. I have a past with another church that hurt me deeply and I guess after 10 years God needs me to deal with the hurt and find the truth through the lies. Truth is God loves me, my heart and my passion. These pastors are humans… they are not perfect and as soon as you put them on a pedestal they will fail you. I need to forgive them just as God had forgiven me and love them even when they hurt me because I have hurt God worse and He is still right there to love me. I lost people from my life when I left that church that daily break my heart. My heart aches for those that left the church and never came back because of our decisions. I pray daily for them and that they find their way home. And I lost a friend who to this day I am sure does not know the pain it causes not having them in my life. Its like when you meet someone and become fast friends- there is just a connection and you love being around them. It has never been the same between us since leaving the church and I still feel the hurt of that loss and pray for our friendship.
Please don’t get me wrong I have gained the most amazing church family and I have never felt so connected and loved in a church before. I have so many things that came out of this change that I would never change. I have realized this year that sometimes you need to say what you are feeling and that you can be happy and sad about a change and that is ok. I believe this is how God stretches and grows you as a person. I kinda feel it is like the ugly duckling story- it was bad and sad in the beginning and then it is great cause you are a beautiful swan but you still have to deal with the bad and sad to get to happy.
I have come to a place where I am finally (almost a year later) able to start letting go of some of the hurt and anger. I am finally finding peace and I am thankful. Guatemala is the best example of this. I was so bitter and actually turned down an invitation to go with a different church and God has been patiently waiting for me to let it go and when I finally did He gave me the chance to go as a group from Refuge. I cannot tell you how much healing this has brought to my heart. I am so excited to go help and serve! I know God is going to use this to grow me as well and I know it will not all be easy but I am positive it is the right time. How else would you explain the fact that we leave the day after finals and return the day before the next quarter starts?? God is so good and so patient!! He was waiting for me to get here and I was fighting Him the whole way. I truly believe this was the plan the whole time.
Recently when praying about school and all my fears I believe I was told that if I don’t have to work for it I will never finish, appreciate and find joy in it. I believe this is a year to work. I believe this is a year to achieve and I believe this is a year to release regrets. And I will be working toward that every day this year. I know there will be failures and let downs but I know I will get through it because God is with me. I believe 2014 will be a year of hope, dreams, faith and change and I could not be more excited.
What do you believe the year will bring?

This is the stuff!

I lost my keys in the great unknown
And call me please 'Cuz I can't find my phone

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

45 in a 35
Sirens and fines while I'm running behind
Whoa

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world
Oh Oh Oh

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff
Someone save me
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
And I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use
***********************************************************************************

I heard this song today and felt the need to share it! A lot has been going on in my life in the last couple months. I have struggled with relationships, friend, family, job and money. I have felt alone and let down. Today I heard this song and thought about all the "BAD" things that have been going on and all the of the good that has come of it. I am currently in the process of starting a new job that is so much better than the job and I was left go from that I spent days crying over. It is shocking how bad things seem in the moment and how amazing they can turn out. We have been having family struggles and while they are completely over the things that have come out of these hard times are amazing. My mom for the first time became a Christ follower!! I am so thankful that I would go through all the hell again and again if it means my mom would be saved. I am so grateful that even when I have doubts God has my back. I need to remember that I DON'T DRIVE THE BUS. Someone a lot smarter than me has the wheel and is always looking out for me. I just need to remember to have Faith and not just when its easy.

God is good :) And I am Blessed!

Intro to my blog

I have one of those lives that you see in the movies… and not the good ones where is all rainbows and sunshine and happy endings. No I have the one where the guy blows the girl off on Valentines’ day and she gets fired and escorted out of her work with no reason. The kind of movie where you think “wow I am glad I am not her”

Don’t worry this will not be a sob story of all the stupid stuff that happens to me. Instead I want to put my life out there to show how bad things happen to good people but you have to push on.

To start I should tell you a little about my past so you will understand why 2012 has to be a better year. LOL

I was finally diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis in Sept 2010 after suffering for 10 years without treatment. Every Doctor told me it was something else and no one did anything to help. I did have carpel tunnel surgery on both hands and had a bilateral tendon release done. (For those that don’t know what that is: basically you scrape off all the tissue off of the tendons so that you can bend your fingers without them getting stuck) This did help some but didn’t stop the progression of the RA. In September 2010 I started low dose chemotherapy. (Yes the same stuff you treat cancer with) I take 8 pills of Methotrexate once a week for the rest of my life. My hair started falling out but with the help of some great shampoo I am able to keep most of it attached to my head. Thank the Lord!

Also, I may have a little control issue in my life and unfortunately it has affected my health a ton. When I am struggling for control in one area of my life I tend to over control others as in my eating habits and workout habits. I have been known for most of my adult life to eat only one meal a day and then workout until I hurt myself. One doctor said I was basically an overweight anorexic… Casey can back me up on this cause it is her number one complaint about me but I am working on it.

I am also the queen for bad relationships. I am serious! From I guy that hit me, to guy that left my bed to go date another girl while claiming he was “going to teach at youth group” to a married guy who claimed to be separated from his wife and then she came back into the picture and he “just cant decide” between us to a guy who write me love letters claiming I am “The ONE” who is dating another girl and doesn’t understand why I cant be happy for him.

 I am starting this blog after some encouragement from my best friend Casey. I feel like it will be fun to reflect on the crap that I survive and honestly it will be fun just to purge it all out lol. I am not a perfect speller (I am dyslexic) and my grammar sucks. So read, enjoy and try not to sweat the small stuff.

Casey and Me :)