Thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams

I don't normally have a need to write but tonight I do. I have that feeling that the words in my head won’t stop until I get them down on paper or in this case out to all of you. So here we are in the start of a new year... 2014 wow how did that happen? I didn't finish half of the things I wanted to in 2013. This year has the chance to be very different and I am excited for all the things to come.

First off I quit my job. Yes you heard me right I had a great job that paid decent and I quit. I am going back to school for a year and studying to be a certified medical coder in ICD10. Coders start at $3 more an hour than I am currently making and for me that is life changing money. This will be my fourth attempt at an AA degree and this time I plan to make it. I have just over 4 quarters and I am ready to cross this regret off my list. It has always bothered me that I never finished school. I have been successful and have done a lot but I always wish I would have finished. 2014 is the year for that. I am terrified to fail again and really wonder if this was the right choice (even though I know it was) I am not working this time and hope that it will be the difference that gets me to a degree.
Secondly I am going to Guatemala this year. After a year of blood sweat and tears God will finally open the door for my mission trip. I know most everyone knows what happened last time I tried to go with my old church but I am not sure anyone knows the toll it took on my heart. I have never been called to do something so strongly only to have it fall apart. It was devastating and I struggled big time with God on what it all meant and why He would do this to me after I had answered the call so whole heartedly. A wise woman said to me “Maybe all you were supposed to do was answer the call. Maybe that was the lesson” I can remember looking at her with tears in my eyes thinking that she was wrong that God could not have put this call on heart just to test my faith. I look back on it now and realize that it was exactly what was happening. God had such bigger plans coming in my life and He needed to know I would follow His lead and hear His call.
In the last six months I have finally had time to grieve for all the things I lost in the transition from my old church. So many friends, kids and students are gone. I believe I was called to leave my old church. I had no intention of leaving until one night in a quiet moment of prayer I knew with every fiber of my being that it was time to go. So I cut ties and left. Then came the fighting for all the fundraised money that was not going to be returned and I became so numb to the things that were happening that I didn’t deal with any of them. I can say that I did get all of the funds back and I know that was because God stepped in to handle it because I had checked out. The first few months of Refuge (our church plant) I was on survival mode auto pilot. The loss was so great that my heart was unable to feel it all at once. I worked and served 24/7 for Refuge. I poured everything into the church hoping I would stop the pain I was feeling. This of course led to burn out because you can do it on your own. I finally broke down in frustration with my pastor and vented everything at him all in one night. It felt like everything went from pain to anger and I stepped away and pulled back and really retreated into myself. I spent the fall sick and miserable from the stress. I am hoping in the New Year to find my place again in the church. I had so many things on my plate and then nothing and now I feel slightly lost. I spent some time in prayer and realized I asked for help and God had provided what I needed. I had tried to control everything to fight away all the feelings I was feeling and when I finally cried out for help He took it away. He however has burdened my heart to deal with the loss.
I cannot tell you how much the way I was treated by my old church and pastors has hurt me. I have a past with another church that hurt me deeply and I guess after 10 years God needs me to deal with the hurt and find the truth through the lies. Truth is God loves me, my heart and my passion. These pastors are humans… they are not perfect and as soon as you put them on a pedestal they will fail you. I need to forgive them just as God had forgiven me and love them even when they hurt me because I have hurt God worse and He is still right there to love me. I lost people from my life when I left that church that daily break my heart. My heart aches for those that left the church and never came back because of our decisions. I pray daily for them and that they find their way home. And I lost a friend who to this day I am sure does not know the pain it causes not having them in my life. Its like when you meet someone and become fast friends- there is just a connection and you love being around them. It has never been the same between us since leaving the church and I still feel the hurt of that loss and pray for our friendship.
Please don’t get me wrong I have gained the most amazing church family and I have never felt so connected and loved in a church before. I have so many things that came out of this change that I would never change. I have realized this year that sometimes you need to say what you are feeling and that you can be happy and sad about a change and that is ok. I believe this is how God stretches and grows you as a person. I kinda feel it is like the ugly duckling story- it was bad and sad in the beginning and then it is great cause you are a beautiful swan but you still have to deal with the bad and sad to get to happy.
I have come to a place where I am finally (almost a year later) able to start letting go of some of the hurt and anger. I am finally finding peace and I am thankful. Guatemala is the best example of this. I was so bitter and actually turned down an invitation to go with a different church and God has been patiently waiting for me to let it go and when I finally did He gave me the chance to go as a group from Refuge. I cannot tell you how much healing this has brought to my heart. I am so excited to go help and serve! I know God is going to use this to grow me as well and I know it will not all be easy but I am positive it is the right time. How else would you explain the fact that we leave the day after finals and return the day before the next quarter starts?? God is so good and so patient!! He was waiting for me to get here and I was fighting Him the whole way. I truly believe this was the plan the whole time.
Recently when praying about school and all my fears I believe I was told that if I don’t have to work for it I will never finish, appreciate and find joy in it. I believe this is a year to work. I believe this is a year to achieve and I believe this is a year to release regrets. And I will be working toward that every day this year. I know there will be failures and let downs but I know I will get through it because God is with me. I believe 2014 will be a year of hope, dreams, faith and change and I could not be more excited.
What do you believe the year will bring?

April showers of blessings

Hello My Blog Family!
So I am so sorry I have been so absent for my blog. Things are so amazingly busy right now! I mean that is the greatest way possible! I am feeling so amazingly blessed by God in my life! So things to update…

Guatemala!! Oh I am so excited about everything about this mission. We are currently through the first two chapters in our cross cultural guide/ workbook. It is a lot of work but there is a lot of bible study and personal growth that is coming out of it! I love listening to the group share about the thing God is doing in their lives because they have taken the call to follow God’s will. I fills me up and I can’t get enough. The donations have really slowed down and I was beginning to worry. Last two weeks not a single donation came in… As I prayed I asked God to take away my worry about the money and gave it over to Him. It was like feeling the weight actually lifted off my shoulders. I guess I didn’t realize how nervous I was becoming and God was there patiently waiting for me to give Him back the control. It was a couple days after this amazing God moment that I got the Update Email. Without worry or hesitation I opened it and there was $200 more than I had thought I had. I am at $2,185 raised and only have $315 left to raise. I have said from the beginning I did not have a choice in whether or not I was going. God had that part handled! It was a choice of whether or not I would listen and obey. I am so excited at the relationships I making with this incredible group of people! I cannot get enough of it.

Speaking of great relationships!!! I have to say I am making them In Refuge Youth Ministries also! I am excited by the people and focus of Refuge. It is not like the youth group you and I have gone to… this is insane! There are like 200 kids and a full worship band and free time and of course a service and prayer. I have been an Adult leader with them for only a short amount of time but I LOVE it! It is the highlight of my week! I got to send some time with some of the student leaders last night outside of the church and I was amazing to feel accepted and relaxed and laugh till I was almost sick. I remember the relationships from my youth group days and I didn’t realize how much they feed your soul! These are a group of people on fire for God. So passionate about Refuge and about Jesus that is contagious. I was so hesitant about joining after some for the scars from my past youth group and now I can’t imagine even a week without them! Don’t get me wrong this is not a perfect group or the best speakers and the worship but God shows up with and through everyone at Refuge and I love to just be a part of it and watch it work. Such a huge blessing from something I went into kicking and screaming. Oh the power of God’s will :)

So not much in my Sunday school class… we are still at about 25-30 3 and 4 year olds in my class. It has become odd when I only have 20 lol I Love those kids even when they drive me nuts they are still so amazing! It is fun to watch them put things together. Like Easter is not about a bunny! It is just great! I am going to have to send a little more time prepping lessons for them though because the person that used to do it isn’t anymore and I don’t want them to just get the leftovers of my time! Please pray for me on this as I am not great at lessons but I want to teach God’s love to these kids more than anything else!!

Update on my health… I am doing really well and am still continuing to lose weight. It’s amazing what being happy will do of your health lol. Since joining weight watcher with my parents I am down 10% of my body weight!!! Oh ya so excited! There was a key chain  which make in the last two years I am down a total of 48lbs. I think about that amount and am just shocked. I am not a small girl now so trying to mental find a place for 48lbs on my body is just mind blowing. It has been a rough road but I find the more I love myself and my life the easier the weight comes off.

Please just continue to pray for my teams, my church, my family and for me. I will continue to pray for all of you.

Thought I want to leave you with: Give God your ashes!

Gotta get you up to date!

Hello All!

I am so excited to be able to take a few mins to catch you up on all things Francesca lol :)

I have to start by telling you about how AMAZING God has been even in my struggling. I had a really hard week a couple weeks ago and the enemy really had my ear. God took the fears and the struggle to help me grow and understand what it mean to have faith. I talked about it a little in my last post but I need to touch on it again because if you all are anything like me you need to hear things more than once for them to sink in. Actually if you are like me you need to have it beaten into your head repetitively :)

These struggle and tests really showed me how much a strong prayer life is needed. I have spent a lot more time in prayer and have found peace and understanding through the quiet time with God. Things have started to resolve and it is all thanks to God’s work in my family and my lives.

I really believed that the life change experiences would happen IN Guatemala but God has shown me blessing after blessing in the form of support. My life has been changed by this trip already and I have not even gone yet. He has taught me in the past few weeks that just deciding to follow His plan and will for my life is all it takes… not some physical labor in a foreign country just obedience. I feel completely empowered by this because this is the first time in my life God had said go and I did without question, fear, or resentment.
I am know I still have many areas to work though in myself but I think God is really showing me the way and it is nice to know I am not alone!

The thing I am working on this week is TRUSTing God’s timing and PATIENCE while I wait. I know more and more everyday I need to LET GO and LET GOD.

Thanks for reading and supporting me!
Love Always and God Bless,
Francesca

$ Update: I got an email last night of my totals including recent LARGE donations to me online (WOW AND THANKS TO YOU TWO!!!) I have raised $1,855!!!!!! I only need $645 more to be sure I am going. Also everything over and above goes to my team so that Tristan and the others make it on the trip too! I am blown away by the support I have received for this mission! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!

Song of the week:

Fear no evil

Well I am officially awestruck by the outpouring of love I have received for this mission. I had a complete stranger give my mom a $25 check without ever meeting me or knowing my mom. God is so good. I have sent out a total of 49 letters and I have received 5 donations back already. I am just amazed how God has provided for me and for all the people in Guatemala. I cant imagine what is in store for us while we are down there. I feel like the daily miracles that are happening everyday in the mail are life changing just to see the support… I cant even begin to think about what will happen when we are there serving God and His people.

I was reluctant to talk about all of the struggles I have been having this past week but I feel that it is important for people to know that I struggle and that just because I want to go do this amazing thing doesn’t mean it is smooth sailing. The devil has been showing his nasty presence in my life this week and attack and any weak point he can find. When he could come at me directly he has been using my loved ones to attack and hurt me. Living a God centered life does not mean everything is great and nothing can ever happen. It does mean that when those things are happening and the voices in your head or in your life are mean and evil you are not alone. I hit a pretty low place this week and am slowly pulling out of it. I am positive that because I have taken such a strong stand for God the devil is trying to break me down. I have cried many tears and have said many prayers this week. I know God has my back and I should fear no evil! Some days it is really hard to remember that, due to the devil in my head telling me lies. God is really working in my heart to be confident in trials and not allow so much fear to creep in. Some days I am better at that then others lol.

With all that has been going on in my life that seems bad I still have little and BIG blessings happening everyday not just in the mission but in seeing the seeds be planted in people’s life. Last night at Refuge Youth I saw teenagers be moved by a message about tithing… most adults are not open to hearing about giving up “Their” money and possessions and these kids gave and came to God with open hearts and pockets. It was a blessing just to watch it happen. \

My whole life (even the bad days) are covered in the fingerprints of God and I am proud to take a stand for God. When it comes down to it He gave up everything for me and I love Him everyday good bad or ugly.

Thanks and God Bless :)

Update: $495 raised! Only $4505 left! Glory to God!!!

Mission Letters

As I sit here today I am extremely nervous, excited and anxious about my letters. I sent out a total of 43 letters on Monday asking for support of the mission I am going on. As far as I can figure most of them will arrive today and tomorrow. I am praying that people will know my heart. I pray that people will be open to helping and praying for us. I hope no one is offended or put off by my letter and that even those that cant give money could give support through prayer. I pray that people might be inspired to serve others as well.

I met most of my team this past Sunday and I think we are all such a good fit for each other and it really made me more excited to go. I believe there are 10/11 females and 2 males going. It should be interesting for the poor guys.

We watched a video with pictures and video from the trip in 2010. It got me all choked up and inspired at the same time. Feel free to watch it here. I pray that it inspires people as it has inspired me!



So I promised to keep everyone updated on my fundraising so here is the total as of today:
$55 Raised, only $4,945 to go :)

Update on ME

So I have yet to post this year about my weight loss journey and I think it is about time I do. I have been a weight watcher now since 6-2012 and am officially down 15 lbs with this program. I am completely shocked at how easy it is for me and yet how many times I would rather have a cookie than be thin. lol When I started my Journey 2 years ago I was newly diagnosed with Rheumatoid arthritis and still very angry about the “cards I was dealt.” I struggled with my meds and my weight and was in a pretty dark place. I started the Medifast diet at my heaviest 232lbs- size 20/22 and lost 30 lbs and then nothing for months and I gave up. I started working out and lost nothing for months. When I started weight watchers I had only put back on 4lbs of the weight but I was as discouraged as I had ever been. Then a crazy thing happened a year ago. My mom and I started a Zumba class that would change the course of my life. My mom fell in love with the church we were working out in and gave her life to Christ and was baptized. Through all of this I was struggling with my own faith and was not living a life anyone would be proud of. After watching my mom change in front of my eyes My heart started to change and I recommitted myself to God and began to walk with Him instead of running from Him. At 206lbs and a size 18/20 I started weight watchers and am thrilled at my progress. I am not down to a 14/16 and feel amazing. I wont lie and say that I have had all successes because believe me there have been several times I have given up for one reason or another. My health is so much better than it ever has been! I am not done yet my goal is to hit a BMI that is “Normal” I am shocked at what a year will do for you! I am Happier and Healthier than I have ever been. My life is full of joy and understanding and a lot more patience. I am excited for where God is leading me. I am taking on my weight loss more seriously, I have started teaching Sunday school and I am hoping to take my first mission trip in the summer. My entire life has made a 180 in just a year and I am so blessed to be here now looking back at the hard times and how sad I was and knowing it was all worth it.

Today is exciting and nerve racking! I am filling out my application packet today for my first mission! As I going through all these pages I am reminded of all the negative things people have said to me about going on a mission. The one that hurts my heart the most is about my medical issues. I have RA. And the comment was with your RA what good can you bring a mission. As I fill out the medical question fears bubble up inside of me. What if they don’t let me go… What if there really isn't anything I can bring to help…What if what if what if. I am viewing this as a test of my faith. I should be confident that God will put me where I belong. He will provide and need to be strong, have faith, and be patient. Giving up control is really not my strong suit but God is working on my heart everyday. I know that He would not have put this on my heart and head a few months ago if it was not what He wanted me to do. Dear Lord I want to thank You for everything You have given me. I want to thank You for my servant's heart and thank You for showing me a path to use it to glorify You. I pray for continued strength as I am faced with all the negativeness of the world. Thank You for making me stronger. Amen ***PS-- A very special thank you for my first donation You know who you are and love you for your kindness***